A professional intervention

Childabuse , you should be working

This website exists because someone close to you is concerned about your productivity. Or lack thereof.

See the evidence
Try another name

The alarm doesn't lie, unlike 'I'll start in a minute'.

Childabuse and working? Two worlds that never collide.

In every project, the same energy: procrastination.

Excuses per hour: 6. Tasks per hour: 0.

Science has spoken. Childabuse's to-do list is crying.

The numbers don't lie

11
Netflix hours per workday
16
Excuses used today
741
Unread work emails
7%
Productivity score

Scientifically proven

6 reasons why Childabuse should be working

1

Childabuse and productivity are not on speaking terms

They tried couples therapy. Childabuse slept through it. Everyone else is being productive. Childabuse? On the couch. Structurally.

2

The snooze button fears ${naam}

7:00 alarm. 7:01 snooze. Repeat until noon. "I'm a slow starter" is not a personality trait.

3

"I work better under pressure"

The pressure has been here for months. Nothing has happened. The deadline was yesterday. Childabuse didn't notice.

4

Childabuse's LinkedIn is fiction

"Hard worker. Results-driven. Go-getter." The couch tells a different story. HR has questions.

5

Netflix is not a career

Childabuse has finished more series than tasks. The ratio is concerning. The watchlist is longer than the CV.

6

This is your intervention

Your friends. Society. Your bank account. Everyone is saying the same thing: get to work. It's time.

Eyewitness accounts

What others say

“Childabuse asked what time it was. I said 2 PM. Childabuse said "cool, I'll start soon."”

— Colleague

“I once saw Childabuse working. Turns out it was a loading screen.”

— Team lead

“Childabuse has been 'out of office' for 3 months.”

— HR

“Childabuse said "I'm working from home." The PS5 was on. The laptop wasn't.”

— Roommate

“Childabuse had a 3-week deadline. After 2.5 weeks: "What deadline?"”

— Project manager

Frequently asked questions

FAQ

Does Childabuse ever actually work?

Sometimes. But opening the fridge doesn't technically count.

Is there hope?

Science is cautiously pessimistic. The couch is too comfortable.

Isn't this mean?

This is love. Hard, honest, work-related love.

What can you do?

Tips

1

Turn off the WiFi. See what happens.

2

Send Childabuse a job listing. Every day. As a reminder.

3

Move the couch outside. Subtle but effective.

Know someone else who should be working?

Send this intervention or pick your next target.

Werkt voor elke naam — maak er eentje voor je vrienden, collega's, of wie dan ook

There's more...

Curious what else Childabuse is?

Childabuse is not funny

isntfunny.com

Choose the next victim

gaeenswerken.dog

What are we missing?

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